A friend in need

[CtrlAltDel]

I tend to disagree with CAD here (Something where we've either never been on the same plane or something where our views just don't match - but this debate has been going on for quite some time).

i disagree with that ^^^
...coz i agree with what u say ahead:

Its not really a matter of time but a matter of how serious the people involved in a relationship are. If the people are committed enough, time is not a factor really....

if the understanding is as good as that, there would be no problems at all. but i have seen that it doesnt happen with everybody....

from what i have heard from fighting couples (either love or arranged marriages), the most common cause of a fight is "he/she was different before marriage". this could be easily solved if the couples understand each other pretty well. if this understanding is developed in 1 year or lesser, its great, else it wud definitely take sometime.

[truffles]

Hi friends,

The latest news is that the husband is here and I have had a chat with them just last night along with a couple of other friends and her folks as well. The good news is that the guy has said that he would let her work in UK and pursue what she wanted unlike before when he wanted her to simply be at home and cook for him. Secondly, she has told him that she would give it another chance seriously for about six months. The parents did not seem very happy though they appeared to be somewhat relieved that some decision was taken.

I just hope things work out for them. Anyways,

Thanks for all your wise inputs, which I have tried to understand and comprehend and then discuss the possibilities with my friend. I think she is a lot more confident and prepared to deal with events of her future.

Happy posting.

[DQ]

I tend to disagree with CAD here (Something where we've either never been on the same plane or something where our views just don't match - but this debate has been going on for quite some time).

i disagree with that ^^^
...coz i agree with what u say ahead:

Its not really a matter of time but a matter of how serious the people involved in a relationship are. If the people are committed enough, time is not a factor really....

if the understanding is as good as that, there would be no problems at all. but i have seen that it doesnt happen with everybody....
from what i have heard from fighting couples (either love or arranged marriages), the most common cause of a fight is "he/she was different before marriage". this could be easily solved if the couples understand each other pretty well. if this understanding is developed in 1 year or lesser, its great, else it wud definitely take sometime.

Ah Grrr. How often has it happened I pitch in and bang bang bang.....the dialogue goes awry any way, excuse me for interrupting.

I have been reading this very interesting book lately by Diana Masooma Beatty.

And the following quote sums up quite a bit of your arguement and what marriage should be like


The ----- in the quote = Muslim, ommitted delibrately to put my point across. Else the so called RVs pick up from there and take you all around the globe. Google for "Seeking the Straight Path" and youll find the book on various locations on the Web.

"Since many ------ marriages are arranged without the couple knowing each other too well before marriage, they both enter the marriage with a spirit of compromise. There does not exist the delusion of the one right man or right woman in the world. Rather, ------ believe they can be compatible and have a successful loving marriage with a variety of different types of people.

All marriages take work. In my mind, one of the great failings of the typical Western non------- marriage is that it is expected to be easy. When difficulties arise, the couple decides they must have not really found their one right mate, and so they part; and very rarely is the parting kind and equitable.

----- youth in the West today are enticed by the romantic images on TV. They wonder where the room is for romance in an arranged marriage. Having experienced dating life as a non-----, and then having married a --------, I feel I can offer perspective.

Dating is not romantic, it is not fun, and it does not help in later married life. There is such great peer pressure to date that it occurs among the very young, and people only get hurt.

A relationship begins, the youth go too far and do things they regret, and a short time later they leave each other. Then, they talk about each other, spreading gossip and damaging each other’s reputations. Most of the time the relationship is largely physical and even basic friendship is missing between the two, although they can’t see that through the veil of their strong physical desires. As people get older, relationships last a little longer, but the problems don’t change all that much. "

[DQ]

Hi friends,
The latest news is that the husband is here and I have had a chat with them just last night along with a couple of other friends and her folks as well. The good news is that the guy has said that he would let her work in UK and pursue what she wanted unlike before when he wanted her to simply be at home and cook for him. Secondly, she has told him that she would give it another chance seriously for about six months. The parents did not seem very happy though they appeared to be somewhat relieved that some decision was taken.
I just hope things work out for them. Anyways,
Thanks for all your wise inputs, which I have tried to understand and comprehend and then discuss the possibilities with my friend. I think she is a lot more confident and prepared to deal with events of her future.
Happy posting.

Buddy my advise.(Please not to Wreck havoc in your friends life.)



1. Does she have support back in the UK. People who she can trust ?



2. Is she going back with him just to avoid the social stigma, (Seprated and staying with parents for 6 mo etc etc, typical Indian drama)



3. If there were differences its highly unlikely that they would have been resolved in one or two group meetings ?



4. Have the conflicts been addressed and resolved.



5. Is your friend compromising. If so beleive me she will only compromise henceforth.



6. I feel before going back, all differences should be resolved. The frame of mind your friend needs to be in is "This is not the only guy in my life"

And then her descion would be right.



7. No doubt there is something in the guy who has come all this way to India.

- Either he truly loves her

- Or is committed to her (but I doubt, hes given it over 6 mo to come over to reconcile).

- Or has some other hidden motives, desi biwi (needs) and videsi adathey. etc etc.

- Or your freind is filthy rich and he sees an oppurtunity in her.



Hmm, advise think about all pros and cons before recommittng to this guy.

[CtrlAltDel]

The ----- in the quote = Muslim, ommitted delibrately to put my point across. Else the so called RVs pick up from there and take you all around the globe. Google for "Seeking the Straight Path" and youll find the book on various locations on the Web.

:lol: once bitten, twice shy, eh?

Dating is not romantic, it is not fun,...

i do not agree with that ^^^



btw, that quote not only applies to "----" or to most other arranged marriages, but also to any other kinda marriages. all it requires is maturity n understanding between the couple. that is my point. divorce n seperation can occur anywhere, even in "----" marriages.

[DQ]

once bitten, twice shy, eh?
Ah no its the same story. Whatever they say acceptable "Thats when you say get away with murder. And as soon as you bring in the word muslim / islam its terrorist-pakistan- arab world blah blah blah and the story starts anyway

Dating is not romantic, it is not fun,...

i do not agree with that ^^^

btw, that quote not only applies to "----" or to most other arranged marriages, but also to any other kinda marriages. all it requires is maturity n understanding between the couple. that is my point. divorce n seperation can occur anywhere, even in "----" marriages.

Again I am not defending ----- Marriages.



The author in that book has portrayed her POV and if you read it fully you will understand the context.



But to get a jist it applies to all hence the "-----"



Dating first hand experience.



When you are younger its nothing but peer pressure, you need to have a GF



A bit older it gets to trying to probe relationships.



A bit older its nothing but adulation. Nothing with an eye to seriousness/commitment.



Marriage is all about seriousness / commitment. <--- If dating is with an eye to this its ok else its just adultation, which may be acceptable according to the individual.

[CtrlAltDel]

once bitten, twice shy, eh?

Ah no its the same story. Whatever they say acceptable "Thats when you say get away with murder. And as soon as you bring in the word muslim / islam its terrorist-pakistan- arab world blah blah blah and the story starts anyway

thats what i meant! now u know enuf to take precautions!

The author in that book has portrayed her POV and if you read it fully you will understand the context.

i understand that! many ppl i know hold the same view.

Nothing with an eye to seriousness/commitment.
Marriage is all about seriousness / commitment. <--- If dating is with an eye to this its ok else its just adultation, which may be acceptable according to the individual.

isnt fun the point of casual dating? dating does not have to end in marriage (thank god! whew....). If a dating couple decide to get serious and marry its gr8, else move on...there are more ppl to choose from in the world!

[Truffles]

The process of finding the right mate for yourself or dating as we casually call it is the best part of a romantic relationship. If we all knew for sure that our date is going to be our mate for life, it would have taken away the excitement, and the sense of adventure out of the process. Just watch the discovery channel..all animals are alike..we all try put on the best show to attract the best date and hope that there is a meeting point...and thats the thrill. I mean the situation in the west can hardly be compared to our country. In the west people are semi independent from the age of 15 or 16. They have to date in order to find companionship, unlike in our country where we always have the option of leaving it our parents to the job for us. People are frowned upon and isolated if they dont find a date, in the west. It has nothing to do with peer pressure at a ceratin age..its about living a normal life and being accepted in the society.

Dating does not occur only in the young..people of all ages date and romancing a person does not feel any different at 30 0r 40 than at 20. The feelings are the same..its just that we know more or rather we think we know about what to expect..and that its not necessarily a fairy tale ending up in a happy ever after situation. That holds true with most things we dream about in life and later experience realities.

There are so many other reaosns why relationships dont last that long in the west..the mobility of labour is much higher in the west where people are constantly moving from place to place and then the relationship goes long distance which becomes very difficult to sustain. At the end of the day..a relationship has to meet certain basic requirements of any person whether its a he or a she..companionship, physical intimacy, a support system, financial interdependence, role playing in terms of raising a family...to think that just love alone will take care of marriage is not correct or to think that a marriage between two mature adults will work despite everything is also incorrect. At the end of the day..these are the realities of modern relationships, with both men and women deciding to lay a lot of emphasis on their individual careers and definitive role playing is becoming rarer by the hour. The fact that today most people around the world are now deciding not to marry until 40 is a cause for concern. I mean by the age of 40 one would have had a series of relationships and after each one, the expectation from the next one becomes even more refined and one ends up in a cycle of confusing expectations from yourself and your partner. Take the example of Chile where the divorce rate is supposedly zero and the first case of divorce was registered only last year. Did that statistic mean that all relationships in Chile were perfect..far from the truth..Chile also had the highest rates of incest relationships....

[CtrlAltDel]

...Take the example of Chile where the divorce rate is supposedly zero and the first case of divorce was registered only last year. Did that statistic mean that all relationships in Chile were perfect..far from the truth..Chile also had the highest rates of incest relationships....

...and the fact is that within a week of legalizing divorce in Chile (it was illegal b4) the govt received nearly 40000 requests for divorce

[Reality,,its here.Accept it.]

I was off the boards for a while now and the intent to come back was not strong enough untill i read this thread. So since I am posting after some sort of agreement has been reached between the couple , these can be just viewed as my views on the problem.





From what i can gather from the post 'truffles' put up is that.,

.the girl married a guy she loved againest the wishes of her parents.

.she is ambitious and he isnt.

.he doesnt love her?

.he illtreats her?

.he wants her to slave for him?



Okay now, this is what I understand and think the problem is.....



The girl married a guy she was in love with. I do not think she made a mistake. She did what she thought was right at that moment. We all do that. If we never err in our judgements we are not human.



But the major problem she might be facing now is the realisation that her parents will always deal with her from now on is with an " I told you so once, now listen to us." attitude. The first step for her would be to accept responsibilty for her decision but not give in to too much critisism. She might be getting too much blame for everything thats not in her control. Whenever she realises that mistakes do happen and life has to move on inspite of them, she will be confident about other things in life.

So the most important thing for you to do, Truffles, is to make her feel confident about herself and not take too much blame. we all screw up sometime or the other, BIG DEAL, just have to pick ourshelves up, dust ourshelves of the dirt and carry on with life. Just make her realise that no mistake is big enough that it can not be rectified.



Now for the other issues at hand and i think most of them have their origin in one issue, that being - the guy does not want her to work. That leads to the other feelings she has where she thinks he wants her to slave for him and that he doesn’t love her.

I do not know the reasons why he doesn’t want her to work but I know a lot of guys who do not want their wifey to work.( I personally think that its for the girl to decide what she wants to do as long as the family life doesn’t get affected.)

From what I read so far this guy doesn’t seem like a horrible person and agreed that he has a few very fixed and old fashioned ideas but they can be resolved over a period of time. And I think he loves the girl too, otherwise he would not have kept calling her for the past six months. A lot of men have the fear that their woman will not be as obedient as she is, if they work and have financial freedom. It’s an old-fashioned idea which is deep rooted in our society and will take a while before we lose it even though we might be well educated.

Another reason why love marriages aren’t as lovely as they should be is that people forget that life isn’t all about being happy all the time.

Its is true that we are on our best behaviour when in love but its not because of trying to impress the other person but when in love we are more sensitive to the other person’s needs and act accordingly. One major reason for it being that we are not certain about the finality of things. Marriage changes a lot of equations because it brings finality and once people are certain about something, they start taking it for granted. I think that’s what makes things go wrong. One thing your friend did that will definetly help her relationship in the future is that when she left him and came back home, she made him realize that he can not take her for granted. That will make him more aware of her needs and he will definetly try to do the needful instead of ignoring her.



And since she decided to go back and try to sort out the differences between them, I think she should be more clear about what she wants and what she can do with out if she wants to make this work. She should not think of this as a second chance but instead work on the relationship as if this is a new one as a lot of new ground rules have been discussed. I would want you to tell her to discuss most matters with him before they start off again instead of thinking of dealing with them as and when they come along. But one thing they need to be absolutely sure about is their love and respect for each other. They might have realized by now that they don’t have too many common interests( like his watching porno) but what they have to do is work around their differences.



Since the marriage issue is moving ahead in some direction, I would like you,Truffles, to remind her of what she wants to do.( a course in fashion.). Once she starts doing things she likes she will be in a better frame of mind to deal with other issues as and when they arise.



While I am talking about the topic of marriage and relationships I wanted to share somethings I heard from people about these topics.



Ø Marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. It is an arrangement where one person gives 100 % on a particular day and the other partners gives 100% on another day.

Ø Both the people involved in a marriage might not like the same things but what they should be certain about is that they should not hate the things the other person likes.

Ø You never completely know the other person however long you may know him/her.

Ø Never count your compromises in a marriage.

Ø As with a car or a computer, there is always a better one than the one you already have. Buyer’s remorse applies to marriages too. So don’t worry too much, smile and carry on.



And finally about 2-3 years being enough time to know someone well, I remembered something a friend of mine told me. She married her boyfriend of 7 years and she told me after marriage that sometimes she wakes up in the morning and looks at her husband and thinks, “and I thought I knew all about him.” J.



Well as in everything else , we go wrong in marriage too even after we talk and discuss alot and do know the other person, that’s the thing about life. But we got to do what we got to do.

[3 T'z]

[quote="Reality,,its here.Accept it."] .



Ø Marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. It is an arrangement where one person gives 100 % on a particular day and the other partners gives 100% on another day.

Ø Both the people involved in a marriage might not like the same things but what they should be certain about is that they should not hate the things the other person likes.

Ø You never completely know the other person however long you may know him/her.

Ø Never count your compromises in a marriage.



And finally about 2-3 years being enough time to know someone well, I remembered something a friend of mine told me. She married her boyfriend of 7 years and she told me after marriage that sometimes she wakes up in the morning and looks at her husband and thinks, “and I thought I knew all about him.” J.



quote]



True ,I dnt think any specified time period is sufficient 2 know someone...it probably depends on the type of person he/she is,some ppl u can understand n know quite easily in some time ...while for others even a life time aint enough...

n i suppose in marriage everyday iz a learnin n knowin experience..



Apart from everythin discussed .....marriage aint somethin thtz full proof...there r no gurantees...love or arranged.. n we being humanz do make mistakes,so itz wht ppl learn n seek from their mistakes tht matterz most ..

[san]

I personally think that its for the girl to decide what she wants to do as long as the family life doesn’t get affected.

This sentence keeps coming back to me so I've gotta say something about it...



Do you mean as long as the woman comes home & gives you your chai at 5pm and then cooks, cleans, looks after the kids, does all the other chores, it is ok for her to go out & work?

[CtrlAltDel]

Do you mean as long as the woman comes home & gives you your chai at 5pm and then cooks, cleans, looks after the kids, does all the other chores, it is ok for her to go out & work?

:lol:

good point san!