21st Century Couple?

[Bimbette]

A friend of mine who is doing her MBA is getting married. I asked her when she intended to complete the course and I nearly choked when she replied "It depends on if I get permission from my husband and mother-in-law".



To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?



To the girls : If u were getting married to a guy who doesn't really believe that a woman has the right to pursue her dream post-marriage, what with the responsibilities and all, will you try and reason out with the guy and hold out till the end, or will you just sacrifice ur dream because you wanted to keep the calm ?



Honest answers please.

[CtrlAltDel]

To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?

i wud never come in the way of my wife's studies or career. knowing my parents, they too would encourage her.



your friend's problem is exactly among the kinda problems i had in my mind when, in another thread, i had objected to subsidised education/reservation for women in colleges/universities. most of them join a course, have the govt. spend tax payers' money on them (subsidies etc) and then meekly sit at home. that is totally unjustified to others who might have lost out on a seat, tho they wud have deserved it better.



If your friend is really interested in her MBA, she shud wait till she finishes the course or reject the guy if they say they intend to ask her to sit at home

[azazel]

dunno abt others, but i would definitely encourage my future-wife to continue with her studies/job if she wants to.. no use letting education going to waste

[Lucifer]

A friend of mine who is doing her MBA is getting married. I asked her when she intended to complete the course and I nearly choked when she replied "It depends on if I get permission from my husband and mother-in-law".

To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?

To the girls : If u were getting married to a guy who doesn't really believe that a woman has the right to pursue her dream post-marriage, what with the responsibilities and all, will you try and reason out with the guy and hold out till the end, or will you just sacrifice ur dream because you wanted to keep the calm ?

Honest answers please.

Bimbette, the question here is whether the woman in question really wants to puruse the course. From what I know, if you want something very badly you end up getting it, come hell or high water. I think she is just using her husband-to-be as a ruse to stop studying further. Why blame the poor guy? It is not like she is married and has kids that she would have obligations. If she wants to study she should make that very clear before tying the knot. The ball, really, is in her court.

[Alexis]

A friend of mine who is doing her MBA is getting married. I asked her when she intended to complete the course and I nearly choked when she replied "It depends on if I get permission from my husband and mother-in-law".

To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?

To the girls : If u were getting married to a guy who doesn't really believe that a woman has the right to pursue her dream post-marriage, what with the responsibilities and all, will you try and reason out with the guy and hold out till the end, or will you just sacrifice ur dream because you wanted to keep the calm ?

Honest answers please.

Bimbette, the question here is whether the woman in question really wants to puruse the course. From what I know, if you want something very badly you end up getting it, come hell or high water. I think she is just using her husband-to-be as a ruse to stop studying further. Why blame the poor guy? It is not like she is married and has kids that she would have obligations. If she wants to study she should make that very clear before tying the knot. The ball, really, is in her court.

I agree with Lucy, somewhat. However, we cant judge what the girl wants or intends to do----but I think maybe shes just preparing herself in case the new family doesnt allow her to go on with he studies.



Im married and Im still studying. My husband encourages me to go as far as I can. And so does his family.

If this were not the case for me------I'd definitely try to negotiate with my husband and in-laws.

[rabbithole]

since most of the girls are not independent when they get married..they end up in situations where they may have to abide by watevr their husband says... whose mistake is it then??

[ZC]

A friend of mine who is doing her MBA is getting married. I asked her when she intended to complete the course and I nearly choked when she replied "It depends on if I get permission from my husband and mother-in-law".

To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?

To the girls : If u were getting married to a guy who doesn't really believe that a woman has the right to pursue her dream post-marriage, what with the responsibilities and all, will you try and reason out with the guy and hold out till the end, or will you just sacrifice ur dream because you wanted to keep the calm ?

Honest answers please.

Actually, i want to go for higher studies, will my wife allow me to do that after marriage

[Adonis]

dang !!!

which era does ur friend thinks she is living in ??.she needs permission from her hubby and laws ? !

i think you should wake her up .and tell her to smell the cofee..



well as for me i l will alwayz encourage my wife !!

[Lucifer]

I agree with Lucy, somewhat. However, we cant judge what the girl wants or intends to do----but I think maybe shes just preparing herself in case the new family doesnt allow her to go on with he studies.

That really is just the point here, is it not? If she wants to study, why the f*** would she get married to a family that cares two hoots for her aspirations?

since most of the girls are not independent when they get married..they end up in situations where they may have to abide by watevr their husband says... whose mistake is it then??

That is a very valid point. But, all that is changing now with more and more women taking up a career.

[asli_badmash]

Good topic Bimbette...

A friend of mine who is doing her MBA is getting married. I asked her when she intended to complete the course and I nearly choked when she replied "It depends on if I get permission from my husband and mother-in-law".

The actual question you should have asked her is.. "Do you want to complete your education?". If the answer is yes, then no mother-in-law or husband will want to stop a goose from giving the golden egg every month end, specially in the material world we live in. Gone are the times where mother's married their sons to get baby making machines a.ka. bahus or daughter-in-law.

To the guys: Would you stop your future wife/wife from pursuing something she wanted, if it made her real happy, even if it meant u pitching in with the house-work? How much will parental opposition affect your decision ?

For the guys: Badmash thinks... why kill a Golden Egg laying goose... But seriously, I dont think anybody should be stopped from doing anything that gives then a chance to grow and improve themselves, be it education, sports or any skill.

To the girls : If u were getting married to a guy who doesn't really believe that a woman has the right to pursue her dream post-marriage, what with the responsibilities and all, will you try and reason out with the guy and hold out till the end, or will you just sacrifice ur dream because you wanted to keep the calm ?

You should probably look at how the girl was raised. If the girl is raised to follow orders and do what the elders think is right for her,without having an individual thinking, then before her marriage she depended on Father and mother for her descisions and after the marriage she is going to depend on the descisions of her mother-in-law and the husband, because she has been taught to do so.

The actaul point is "How did the parents mould the girl? Did they mould the girl to be an individual and think with her own head or just be a "Good Girl" and listen to what her care takers say. Was she taught to always compromise her point of view to accomodate her elders even if they are wrong, or was she taught to stand up for what is right ".

The mother-in-law and the husband are not be treated like bad people here; they have their views, it is the parents or the guardians of the girl child who are to be questioned. Girls have to be made complete individuals before they are married off into another family. Complete with a set of values, morals, a good education and clear understanding of what they want in life.



~badmash~

[Lucifer]

Consider this:



The wife's mother and the husband's mother are both sick at the same time. Who should she rightly look after? Mom or mom-in-law? Keep in mind that she has to make a choice here as they all stay in different cities. And, also, let us assume that both are in equal need of attention.

[CtrlAltDel]

The wife's mother and the husband's mother are both sick at the same time. Who should she rightly look after? Mom or mom-in-law? Keep in mind that she has to make a choice here as they all stay in different cities. And, also, let us assume that both are in equal need of attention.

i feel sorry for that girl!



seriously, there are arguments that favor both choices.



but assuming that she stays with her in-laws after marriage, its better to spend more time with her mom-in-law coz that wont disturb any daily routine (say, a job) she has set for herself. she cud go spend some time with her own mom now and then. also, if she has kids, its not practical to go away to her mom's place for a long time.

[Lucifer]

i feel sorry for that girl!

seriously, there are arguments that favor both choices.

but assuming that she stays with her in-laws after marriage, its better to spend more time with her mom-in-law coz that wont disturb any daily routine (say, a job) she has set for herself. she cud go spend some time with her own mom now and then. also, if she has kids, its not practical to go away to her mom's place for a long time.

OK. She has no kids. Stays with her husband in a nuclear family, and is a housewife. Now, what should she do?

[CtrlAltDel]

OK. She has no kids. Stays with her husband in a nuclear family, and is a housewife. Now, what should she do?

do a "What-If" analysis. see which household can manage better in her absence.where ever she decides to stay, it wont be fair unless she spends atleast a few days now n then in the other household.

these are all theoritical.

in an indian household, a girl is suppossed to give priority to her in-laws after marriage. even her own mom, however ill she might be, would not ask her to come over and stay for a long duration.

ultimately it will come down to the girl caring for her mom-in-law and making occasional visits to her mom.

[Lucifer]

OK. She has no kids. Stays with her husband in a nuclear family, and is a housewife. Now, what should she do?

do a "What-If" analysis. see which household can manage better in her absence.where ever she decides to stay, it wont be fair unless she spends atleast a few days now n then in the other household.
these are all theoritical.
in an indian household, a girl is suppossed to give priority to her in-laws after marriage. even her own mom, however ill she might be, would not ask her to come over and stay for a long duration.
ultimately it will come down to the girl caring for her mom-in-law and making occasional visits to her mom.

CAD, what would you do? I think I already told you that both need her equally. The need is the same, and it is a great need.

[CtrlAltDel]

CAD, what would you do? I think I already told you that both need her equally. The need is the same, and it is a great need.

if i were a girl in that position i'd get my mom over to my in-laws place for a few days.

[Lucifer]

if i were a girl in that position i'd get my mom over to my in-laws place for a few days.

Is it really so simple in the real world? I doubt it.

[cool jack]

dunno abt others, but i would definitely encourage my future-wife to continue with her studies/job if she wants to.. no use letting education going to waste

me feel the same



if she is really interested i think there wont be any problem

[ZC]

Actually, i want to go for higher studies, will my wife allow me to do that after marriage

CONCLUSION:



No-one thinks that my wife is going to allow me to go for higher studies

[Bimbette]

Hi all,

Thanx for the responses. First things first, my friend is not an ambitious person. She belongs to a typical business class family where girls are married off at fairly early ages.

Her doing her MBA was 'allowed' as a stop-gap arrangement till they found a ' boy ' for her.

She's not too keen on completing her MBA coz she thinks that the first few months after marriage is when she must 'win-over' the boy's family (I don't understand that train of thought, but nevermind) and attending classes and exams etc will not leave her with too much time. Her argument is that since she won't be working after marriage, what's the use of an MBA?

While I have my own opinion on that, I'll reserve it coz to each her own.



CAD, I remember asking a friend in coll (one of those girls with a superlative academic record ) about whether she'd work after she'd done her MBA from say an IIM. Her retort, "its my prerogative if I want to work or not post an MBA from say an IIM". Assuming she did sit at home post an MBA from an IIM that wud be a waste u'd say. Some more deserving guy (and later household) would be in a better position courtesy a degree from a reputed institute like the IIM. On the other hand, if a girl is chosen over a guy to get into a good B School, she's there because she deserves it. Whether or not she should have decided earlier on about whether the degree is going to be wasted in the future, is again a matter of opinion.



Azazel, Cooljack, Hold the same stand till your walk to the altar and after...





Lucifer, she's not blaming the guy, his family in any respect. And in a typical arranged marriage its probably not easy to say a 'I want to study so u better understand folks' line.



Alexis, dunno whether she's got an understanding set of inlaws, but for her sake I hope she does.



Rabbithole, agree. Financial independance does a whole lot of good to a woman. Women should be encouraged to work.



ZC, ur plans to study will be shot down for your wife? I know studying post marriage is difficult but like Lucifer said, if u've really decided to do something and YOU want to do it more than anything else, u should go ahead. Having said that, if ur education/hobby etc is a burden on the household (eg. it eats into ur collective income in a big way and forces both of u to live on a shoe-string budget) then its a question of getting ur priorities right.



Adonis, forgot to put the 'permission' in quotes ? I was totally taken aback myself when she first used the word.



Lucifer like I said, lots of girls are not given too much of a choice when it comes to the 'arranged marriage' thing. Many girls I've known have given in meekly because thats 'a way of life' for them. Gets me worked up sometimes but like I said lots of girls follow tradition in matters such as these. Not too many swim against the current.



Badmash, as far as the first part of ur post is concerned, am not too sure. If the family is really well off (and I mean 'really') her income is just a piddley sum. It won't make a difference to the 'total income'. So all that talk on the daughter-in-law being the golden goose doesn't hold good. It all depends on the MIL and husband's take on 'women working after marriage, good/bad'

Totally agree with you on the second part. It all sounded very balanced when I read it. But thats not too close to reality. Yeah I have friends from both ends of the spectrum. The ones who'll shut-up and do as their parents say and some others who say 'society ko jo kahna hai, kahe'. We think this is right and this is how it shall be.

A girl with a balanced set of views, values in tact, and a mind of her own. Wow! Now thats a super combo!





Thats all people. I've said enough!

[CtrlAltDel]

CAD, I remember asking a friend in coll (one of those girls with a superlative academic record ) about whether she'd work after she'd done her MBA from say an IIM. Her retort, "its my prerogative if I want to work or not post an MBA from say an IIM". Assuming she did sit at home post an MBA from an IIM that wud be a waste u'd say. Some more deserving guy (and later household) would be in a better position courtesy a degree from a reputed institute like the IIM. On the other hand, if a girl is chosen over a guy to get into a good B School, she's there because she deserves it. Whether or not she should have decided earlier on about whether the degree is going to be wasted in the future, is again a matter of opinion.

:? i dont get it whether u agree with me or not. i agree that if a girl with right credentials who qualifies in entrance exam, gets it over another guy, she very much deserves it. i am not talking abt that.

there is this 30% reservation for women in many states. i am against that IF the women avail of it and then choose to sit at home. that seat cud have gone to a man who might have benefited himself as well as the economy, if he had got it.

get it?

[azazel]

Azazel, Cooljack, Hold the same stand till your walk to the altar and after...

i know, i will .. CJ, ya wit me on tht??



CAD, dun think Bimbette's argument was abt agreeing/disagreeing with ya.. it was just both sides of the coin posted there..