Interesting Jokes

[Cragg]

Height of hope:





expecting a girl to make the first move

[Cragg]

Software Sholay



Gabbar sends Kalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgad for collecting the 'loot-maar' software which he ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start shouting, "Abey oh Thakur. Baahar nikal. Kahan hai woh loot-maar software joh hamne order kiya tha."

Dhaniya, an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.

Kalia: Kya laye ho dhaniya.

Dhaniya: Financial accounting software hai sarkar.

Kalia: Suwar ke bachche. Yeh bekar software hamare liye banaya aur woh loot-mar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file mein chupa rakha hai,

haraam zada.

Thakur comes out of his house seething with anger.

Thakur: Chillao mat Kalia. Jaakar Gabbar se keh do ki Thakur software waloh ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana band kar diya hai.

Kalia: Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho Thakur. Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?

Thakur: Nazar utha kar dekh Kalia tere sar par power builder chal raha hai.

Kalia lifts his head.He sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another water tank, punching the keys of a laptop.

Kalia starts laughing and says, "Haa haa...ye log programming karenge Thakur. Haa haa.. inko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno Ramgad ke vasiyon, Thakur ne hijdon ki software company banayi hai.

Veeru: Chup chap chala ja Kaalia, hum log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hai.

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard.

Jay: Jao Kalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya.

Kalia: Jaata hoon Thakur. Agar Gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur software services walon ne uska loot-maar software nahin banaya to woh purey network mein virus daal dega.



At Gabbar's den

Gabbar: Kitney bugs they?

Kalia: Do sarkaar.

Gabbar: Woh do! Aur tum teen! Phir bhi fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch ke aaye the? Gabbar bahut khus hoga. Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi. Barobar milegi! (Snatches an X terminal from Sambha) Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?

Sambha: Chhay Sarkaar.

Gabbar: Session chhay aur programmer teen. Bahut na insaafi hai. (Logout... logout.. logout...)

Haan..ab theek hai...ab tera kya hoga Kalia?

Kalia: Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha sarkar?

Gabbar: To ab documentation likh! (Logout....)

[V]

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were in Paris where they made friends with a French guy named Jean Paul.They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day Jean Paul disappeared. Santa and Banta went to the police and lodged a complaint .The police asked Santa/Banta if they could give some vital clues about Jean Paul that would make finding him easier. Santa says..." Jean Paul was handsome and tall" Police... " All Frenchmen are like that... give us something specific" Banta says " Jean Paul had blue eyes and was very fair" Police says " C,mon guys, all Frenchmen have blue eyes and they are fair, tell us something specific" Santa and Banta together now.... " Oh yes. now we remember, Jean Paul had two holes in his ass !!! Policeman gets really interested now " Now that's something very specific-but tell me, how do you know this ?? Did you guys see it." Santa & Banta ... " No we didnt see the holes, but wherever we went with Jean Paul, everyone used to say, here comes Jean Paul with the TWO ass holes

[V]

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man sent to his sweetheart.



Darling,

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I let the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me when we go out on Friday night.

[Cragg]

Hmm Anonymous , no one will eat u for these jokes. No need to hide ur id

[Sara.]

Height of hope:


expecting a girl to make the first move

do u really think so???

[Cragg]

Height of hope:


expecting a girl to make the first move

do u really think so???

do u disagree???

[mAnOmAn]

An American born desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it.

The guide replied, "20 years."

The American desi remarked, "You guys are lazy. In America we can build some thing like this in 5 years."

At the Red Fort in Delhi, he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said, "Ten years, only ten years."

The American desi retorted, "Didn't I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years."

It was the same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period of completion to 1/4th. The guide was irritated by this young American desi.

Next day when they were near the Qutab Minar, the American desi asked, "What is that tower?" The guide replied,

"I will have to go and find out. When I was passing by last evening there was nothing here."

[mAnOmAn]

Lesson one:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not!"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

--------------------------



Lesson two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "But I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey.

[mAnOmAn]

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[mAnOmAn]

Devil Incarnate



One day on a bright, beautiful, Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services began the townspeople sat in the pews and started talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

This, confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,

"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Cragg]

class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional{

double styles;

short skirts;

long time_to_understand_problems;

float mind;

void knowledge();

char non_co_operative;

}



class Married_female_Software_Professional{

double weight;

short tempered;

long gossips;

float hopes;

void work();

char unstable;

}



class Female_Engaged_software_professional{

double time_on_phone;

short attention_at_work;

long boast;

float on_cloud_nine;

void understanding();

char edgy;

}

class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional{

double dinner_invitations;

short time_at_work;

long lunch_breaks;

float talks;

void bank_balance();

char hen_pecked;

}



class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional{

double income;

short temper;

long time_no_see;

float new_software_company;

void love_life();

char money_minded;

}



stolen Void()

[Fun Kay]

class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
}

class Married_female_Software_Professional{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
}

class Female_Engaged_software_professional{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_at_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
}
class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
}

class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void love_life();
char money_minded;
}

stolen Void()

hey hey..us female s/w engineers are not that bad ok....

[Cragg]

So u are a female software engr



Thats ***.

[Cragg]

What will happen if Microsoft starts making cars and GM takes over the software industry?



At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and

stated:" If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."





In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going
off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine -RNGT

[Max]

Men always have better friends...They will stand by you, no matter

what...!!!



Friends of women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the

very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment

over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none

of them confirm that.



Friends of men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the

very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he

stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that

he is still with them.

[Again???!!!]

Men always have better friends...They will stand by you, no matter
what...!!!

Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment
over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none
of them confirm that.

Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the
very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he
stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that
he is still with them.

Y're u posting the same thing again & again???!!!

[Cragg]

Where is God?



Two brothers aged 8 and 10, were alway playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it.

Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should 'step over the line' and get in trouble with the Law.

They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.

The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl.

And after a minute said, 'Young man, where is God?' The boy remained silent in his chair. The pastor raised his voice a bit. 'Young man, I said where is God?' Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously.

The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, 'Young man, I asked you a question! Now where is God?'

In terror, the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet. The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in the closet.

'What happened?' he said, starting to get scared himself.

'Oh, man, we're in deep trouble,' said the 8-year-old. 'God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it!'

[Cragg]

Honest boy..?



A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented,



'Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.'



The boy quickly replied, 'That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'

[Chote_Nawab]

It was Professor Smith's first day at St. John's Medical College as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year Medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro. To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said " well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy" he gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said: "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"



Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied back: "you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question"



Thwarted by the girl's reply, Professor Smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query. This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead. "Henry answered: "Pupil of a Human Eye"



The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: Look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge

(2) You have a dirty mind and

(3) Your Expectations are too high!

[Chote_Nawab]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.



As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.



They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.





As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?







So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.



Again she nodded each of them, said "Good morning, Father, " and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."



"Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests - dressed as we are?"





"Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied

[Chote_Nawab]

A massive raid is being conducted in a city's redlight area by police.

Police has lined up all the prostitutes on the street for questioning. An old lady happens to cross that street and is curious to know what is going on.



Old Lady : "Aare Bhai Kya Ho raha hai ?" to a prostitute standing in the Queue.

Already harassed prostitute is in no mood to answer. The Old lady asks

again: "Aare Bhai Yeh line Kis liye ?"



The prostitute get very irritated & replies back: "Lolly pop mil raha hai"



The old lady then stands at the end of the Queue.

A cop sees this decent looking old lady standing in the line

and asks her in a surprise: "Maa Ji , Aap Bhi ...?"



Old lady : " Haan Beta, Kabhi Kabhi choos leti hoon."

[Chote_Nawab]

TELEGRAMS



A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,

which the father receives as Father, your daughter has been successful in Bed."





Telegram 2

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return

to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the

last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she

offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband

which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave

birth to an old lady "



Telegram 3



A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he

goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you

are getting better".



The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put" You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".

[Chote_Nawab]

This is a true incident which happened in a college In Bihar.



A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class.



The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him.



So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out.



But he doesn't know how to put it in English.. He went near the guy.



Shouted "follow me". The guy followed him till he went out of the class.



Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted "Don't follow me" and went inside the class.......... ----------------



Prof. Bihari Inside the Class :



* Open the doors of the window.



Let the atmosphere come in.



* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.



* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.



* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor



* You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class ..



* Both of u three, get out of the class.





* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today.



* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....



* Take 5 cm wire of any length....



# About his family : * I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)



# At the ground : * All of you, stand in a straight circle.



* There is no wind in the balloon.



# To a boy, angrily : * I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?



# Giving a punishment : * You, rotate the ground four times...



* You, go and under-stand the tree...



* You three of you, stand together separately.



* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)



# Sir at his best :



* Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.



So the next day at school... ( to that boy ) - "Yesterday I saw you

WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

[chichi]

Did you read this before



Q: What's the difference between cricketers and

condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the

drops.



Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and

a woman?

A: Riding a bicycle you fix your bottom & move your

legs, riding a woman

you fix your legs & move your bottom.



Q: What three things are common between the sun and

woman's underwear?

A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and

both disappear

at night.



Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they are tired of using their own.



Q: What's common between men and video?

A: Both go backward... forward...

backward...forward...

backward....forward... stop and eject.



Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's

period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7

days and if it

doesn't come means you are in big trouble



Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm

satisfaction?

A: A teabag.



7 qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet,

Truthful and

Self-Organized. In short, she must have good

B.R.E.A.S.T.S



Q: Who is a gynaecologist ?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for

problems in a

place,where most people find pleasure.