Joke of the day

[Tej]

Nice jokes... Keep 'em coming....

[Chahat]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"



Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'



They stopped saying that, after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.



It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.



She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.



She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.



She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"



Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"



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- Chahat



Collection of funny and rude sms:

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[Chahat]

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.



"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.



"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."



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- Chahat



Durga puja is coming near... Send these nice dasara greetings and sms to your friends:

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[Chahat]

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.



"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you"



"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.



The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."



As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."



Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.



However, unbeknown to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."



At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.



The moral of this story is:



If the fly drops six inches the pussy cat will get wet.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.



"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.



The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.



One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.



The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.



The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"



Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.



The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.



The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"



The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her.



The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

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The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ...

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"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law! !!"



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- Chahat



Find lots of nice dasara sms:

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[Chahat]

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "OK, what happened to your back?"



The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"



The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"



He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."



The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients did. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu…..?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"



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- Chahat



Send your friend Diwali Greetings and SMS:

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[Chahat]

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."



The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time,

but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd he will gather all the required fine"



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- Chahat



Send Happy Diwali SMS to your friends:

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[Chahat]

Banta called his friend Santa and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?



Santa said, Send her some flowers and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal.



Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.



The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.



Banta, It was a flop idea.



Santa, Didn’t the girl come to your house?



Banta, She did, but she refused to cook!





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- Chahat



Diwali is coming near... Have you send Diwali Greetings to your friends?

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[Chahat]

Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was playing with a wall clock when I visited.



Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at the clock blankly, then brightened.



"It’s time for you to go", he answered triumphantly.







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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.



To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.







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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he has taken lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why?



Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.



Patient and doctor



But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.



That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

Important things to a man....



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.



2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.



3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.



4. It's important to have a woman who likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

A little buny walks into a hardwarestore and asks the clerk ofr some ice cream The clerk says, This is a hardwarestore, we don't sell ice cream.



The next day, the bunny walks into the Store againd and asks for ice cream. The Clerk answers What the hell is your problem it old you yesterday that we don't have any ice cream.

The next day, the bunny walks into the Store again. He asks the clerk for ice cream.which responds For Crists sake i don't have ice cream don't you get it next time you com in here asktind for Ice cream I'll nail you to the Wall.



The Next day the bunny returns asking for ice cream, so the clerk nails him to the Wall. As the bunny is hangig there he turns to a Jesuscross hangig next to him and asks: did you want ice cream too?



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- Chahat



Find more office jokes short at Jokes Duniya:

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[Chahat]

Max, a lonely widow, was walking home along Broadway wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting at him: "Hey, you, Mister, why don't you come in and buy me?" Max rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Max by the sleeve.

"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Max stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "You speak English?" The parrot answered: "What did you think, Chinese?"



In a matter of moments, Max had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot, talking about his lonely life. The Parrot told him how lonely it was to live in a cage. They became good friends.



Next morning, Max, before he ate his breakfast, read aloud a page from the Bible. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Max explained, the parrot wanted also to read a page from the Bible. So Max went out and ordered a miniature Bible for the parrot.



On Sunday, Max went to his church and demanded that the parrot could come in and pray to. The Minister refused, saying a church was no place for a parrot. But Max insisted, saying that the parrot would pray out aloud, since he was a talking parrot. He would also sing hymns.



None of the worshippers believed Max, and they bet Max at even odds that the parrot could not say his prayers nor sing a hymn. Thousands of dollars were bet. During the services, the parrot perched on Max's shoulder and did not open his mouth. He neither prayed nor sang hymns. After the services were concluded, Max found that he owed his buddies over four thousand dollars.



He paid. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the church the bird began to recite the 23 psalm. Max stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? Haven't I been good to you? Is this how you repay me?"



"Don't be a fool," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds next Sunday when you take me to church".



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- Chahat



Is your friend's birthday is coming near? Greet him/her with sweet birthday sms messages:

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[Chahat]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding

man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on

bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a

perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.



His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding

man and asks him what he's doing.



The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards

signed, 'Guess who?'"



"But why?" asks the man.



"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

Boss said to an employee: Do you believe in life after Death?



Employee: Certainly not! There’s no proof of it, he replied.



Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, He came here looking for you.!!!



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- Chahat



Sweet, funny and irritating good night sms:

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[Chahat]

The subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what

that means after you finish taking the "test".

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w... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..

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u do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using

ur mind.

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u'll be surprised.

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art:

w much is:15 + 6

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> 3 + 56

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> 89 + 2

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>12 + 53

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>75 + 26

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> 25 + 52

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> 63 + 32

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know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..

me on, one more...

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> 123 + 5

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> QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

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>Scroll further to the bottom...

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>A bit more...

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> You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?

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>If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a

>different, if not abnormal, mind.

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>98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are

"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male

repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their

business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing

article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in

the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.



Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance

cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never

study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans

for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank

robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't

followed:



1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead

of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no

longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want

to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his

mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.



2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to

plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of

the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She

hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another

teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next

in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities

arrived.



3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the

back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on

an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in

East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the

robber's signature and account number.



4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried

to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,

where he showed them his "weapon."



5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a

note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."

The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them

and left.



6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury

ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.

Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer

picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a

diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.

They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.



7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida

who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They

drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a

tollbooth, offered the security men money.



8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the

teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in

the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.



9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,

stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark

points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in

San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.



10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,

while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot

himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the

hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had

no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his



graduate students. It had one question:



"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some

variant. One student, however wrote the following:



First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they

do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls

moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?



I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not

leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in



the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member

of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these

religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project

that all people and all souls go to hell.



With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in

hell to increase exponentially.



Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that

in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of

the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.



So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell

breaks loose.



Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in



hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.



It was not revealed what grade the student got.



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- Chahat



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[Chahat]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.



It began, Daddy fell into the well last week



Teachet and student



My goodness! the teacher exclaimed. Is he all right?



He must be, said the boy. He stopped yelling for help from yesterday.



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- Chahat



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